Don't Let People Live Rent Free in Your Mind - Here's How to Evict Them

Image generated by author

Let’s imagine that you finally bought your dream house. Not just any old house you can afford, but “The Dream Home.” The one you could only afford after eating ramen noodles for ten years. The one that’s been on your vision board since you were 18. The one you maxed out every one of your credit cards to make perfect.

“Maybe you should consider a tenant? The mortgage is pricey, isn’t it? You have a walk-out basement that would be perfect to rent out while still giving you privacy,” your pragmatic parents say.

“No, no, no…NO way,” you say. “This is my sanctuary. I’ve put in way too much of myself to let some stranger in my space.”

Now let’s imagine a stranger walked in through your front door, threw smelly trash everywhere, and announced loudly that they will live in your dream home for free. They’re not asking for permission. They are exploding into your sanctuary in the most obnoxious way possible.

By the way, just so you’re clear, they don’t intend to change their horrible behavior in any way because they don’t really care how you feel. Not. One. Bit.

Would you let them stay? Of course not.

Yet, this is usually what happens in our minds. The person who annoys us most or treats us badly gets the most airtime while our patient loved ones are often taken for granted and relegated to receiving what’s left over of our mental attention.

We obsess endlessly about who is good enough to be a formal tenant in our minds (e.g., a romantic partner or potential friends), yet we often let an obnoxious colleague or even a rude stranger squat for hours in our brain rent free without any screening at all.

To be fair, it’s not entirely our fault. Our brains have these funny little quirks that cause us to default into this behavior. But just like you can keep bad tenants out of your physical space by screening them, you can also do the same with mental tenants.

But first, it helps tremendously to understand some of the ways our brains are working against us.

Your Brain Loves Negativity and is a Bit Flakey, But You Don’t Have to Be

There are three cognitive biases that play into our tendencies to let toxic tenants into our minds. Let’s dive a little deeper into each one so we can avoid their traps.

1. Negativity Bias

Negativity Bias describes our natural inclination to focus more on negative events more than positive events. As usual, our brains mean well, and this feature is likely an evolutionary adaptation for survival. If you think about it, it made more sense that you should care more about the lion that’s going to kill you than the sexy caveman (or woman) that you want to make out with.

An interesting spin-off of this is that this doesn’t just apply to threats but also to people. Researchers have known for decades that we tend to remember someone’s negative traits far more than their positive ones even if they were equally intense. What this means is that when you encounter a person, you’re more likely to notice their negative traits and ruminate about it.

2. Availability Bias

Availability bias states that we assign a greater level of importance to something we can recall easily (i.e., something that happened recently). This bias is so powerful that it is believed to be a significant contributor to medical misdiagnosis by physicians.

Multiple studies have shown that doctors tend to increase their rate of testing or diagnosis of a specific condition if they have recently encountered a similar condition. So, just so you know — you’re not immune to it no matter how smart or well-trained you are.

What this means is that your brain will tell you that something that happened to you in the last 5 minutes, or this morning is far more important than it actually is and force you to focus on it.

3. Emotional Reasoning

Emotional reasoning is a cognitive process where a person convinces themself that if the feel something very strongly, then it must be true even when there is no objective factual information to back up that belief. Examples of this are people who believe that they are fat despite their doctors telling them that they are clinically underweight because they feel so fat.

To relate it back to this article — an example of emotional reasoning that takes over your mind would be if a stranger screamed a racial slur or fat shaming insult at you.

If it was enough to create a spike of intense anger, fear or shame your brain will tell you that the situation is really bad and that you need to pay attention to it. This will happen even if the reality is that the person has already left and can no longer inflict harm on you in any way.

When you consider all three biases together, what is happening by default all the time is that our brains will automatically focus on the most recent event that is causing the strongest negative emotion. Hence the toxic people taking up the most space. But have no fear, eviction is totally possible.

How to Evict Toxic People from Your Mind

If you think of your mind as a “space,” you can take the same steps I take as a landlord to ensure that the people you allow in are going to take good care of your “home.” By following this process, you can avoid falling into the cognitive traps caused by negativity bias, availability bias, and emotional reasoning I described above.

1. Ask Yourself, “Did you approve their application?”

Of course, we don’t ask people to actually fill in applications to be in our lives. What this question is really asking is, “Did you consciously choose for them to live in your mental home? Was this a conscious decision to give them the keys to enter your sanctuary?”

If the answer is no, make the decision to stop giving them space. A surprisingly effective technique is to simply say the word “Stop” out loud. You can also add, “I’m not letting you live rent free in my mind.”

2. Check their “credit” score

A good financial credit score is earned when you reliably pay on time every time, don’t borrow more than you can pay off, and have multiple accounts that you’ve maintained debt free for a long time.

A good social credit score is earned when that person reliably shows up for you when you need them to every time, don’t take more than they give, and have many healthy relationships in their lives that they have maintained for a long time.

Make sure that for the most part, you have intentionally chosen people with a good social credit score to live in your mental home.

3. Are they willing to sign a long-term lease?

There’s a reason that 12-month leases are much cheaper than a 1-month lease. It’s a sign of commitment. When two parties commit to each other for an extended period of time, it provides financial security, much more convenience and builds a relationship.

When a stranger shouts a hateful racial comment at you as they are walking past, or a colleague dismisses your work in a weekly meeting— there is no commitment there. Often times, they don’t even care long enough to stop what they’re doing while they are insulting you.

Instead of obsessing about them, give your mental energy to your parents who have invested in you for decades, your friends who have shown that they will be with you through thick and thin, and your partner who shows their commitment to you every day.

4. Do they complain about every little thing?

We all have this one friend. They’ve been in our lives forever. At some point, you did choose them — maybe when you were 5 years old. Their social credit score is maybe not excellent but it’s good. And you know they’ll stick around.

So, they check boxes 1–3. Kinda. Most landlords will likely accept a tenant for a year that check boxes 1–3. But if that tenant complaints constantly about every small thing, they might not be so willing to extend that tenant’s lease.

I’m not suggesting you cut off everyone in your life that isn’t perfect. History means something and maybe they are going through a rough patch. I’m simply suggesting that you should review if you are giving that person too much mental space when it could be given to a better tenant.

As we progress in life, we change and so do the people in our lives. Perhaps your approach to life no longer aligns with theirs and you really don’t want to spend another 20 years listening to them complain about things that don’t matter.

5. Are they willing to do small improvements/maintenance in your home?

I’m a landlord with two sets of tenants. One tenant will take it upon himself to mow the lawn, fix small plumbing leaks, or a rusty hinge on a door. The other tenant will call me for everything including a seldom used squeaky drawer that could easily be greased, caulking that could be touched up, or a loose handle that could easily be screwed back on. You get the picture.

I had the good tenant first and never knew how much these small things mattered to me until I had the contrast. I never realized how much mental space it takes to deal with a million small things.

It is the same in your personal life. If you have a friend who easily gets upset when you are a little late or are completely uncompromising in their ways, it may be worth asking yourself if the slow emotional drain is worth it.

Have You Been a Bad Mental Landlord?

I want you to go through a little exercise with me. Think about the last time your thoughts felt like they were about to spill out of you and your mental “home” was full. What and who were you thinking about?

Almost certainly (because of our quirky brain defaults), your thoughts were likely filled with anxiety, scarcity, and fear or about a person you were annoyed, angry, or frustrated at. If that statement is true, then you have been letting people (or things) live rent free in your mind.

Whenever I ask someone who and what they “would” like to occupy their thoughts, they always respond that they would like to think happy thoughts about the people they love all the time.

And yet, the reality is that whenever our work demands it or some stranger screams in our face, we can always find extra attention and “brain space” to devote to them — but we struggle to do the same when our partner, friends, or children ask for more attention.

When we’re having a bad day, most people can plaster on a smile and muster enough nice thoughts to fake a pleasant mood for the barista. Meanwhile, our spouses get the full, uncensored brunt of our frustrations. Often, we don’t try at all to get into a more pleasant mental state for them.

Why is that? Why do we say we would like to give our mental space to our loved ones but then so easily give it to things we claim not to value as much instead? It’s because we know our loved ones will forgive us. So, we take them for granted. But is that really what we want?

Takeaway

Just as you would never select a tenant to live in your real home because they were the most obnoxious person you came across; we shouldn’t allow people to enter into our “mental home” for that same reason.

At the end of the day, your mind is the sanctuary you’ve literally spent your entire life building, cultivating and investing in. One you carry with you everywhere for every second of the day. And one that you will take with you to your grave. It is far more important than your physical home.

Treat it that way. Evict the toxic people and things and consciously fill it with love.

“If somebody is looking for a bin to throw all their trash into, make sure it’s not in your mind.” — Dalai Lama